It wasn’t just for him

I attempted a sexy photo for my husband which fell flat no matter which angle I tried. When I realized how flat it fell, I started researching all around for a boudoir photographer and found one whose work I kept coming back to in all my searches, Envy U Photography.  I liked the style of the photographer, I mean, there were a few poses that weren’t for me, but overall, the final products in her portfolio had me excited enough to contact her.

Little did I know that I would be getting more than beautiful sexy photos for my husband.

When I walked in for my appointment, I was greeted by Charlotte, the photographer, and her hair and make up artist, Justina Ford. I filled out some paperwork while they asked me some questions, then Justina got to work on my head. I had brought my own outfits with me and Charlotte added some things to go along with what I already had to create the look she envisioned for me.

I’m pretty comfortable with myself and my body so the two of them seeing me in lingerie didn’t bother me at all, my biggest worry was how my face would put off sexy through a camera lens. Once Charlotte started giving me direction, I had every confidence she knew what she was doing. I honestly didn’t have to do a dang thing except follow her direction. She even showed me my images on her camera throughout the session. The more I saw, the more confident I got. By the time I walked out of there five hours later, I felt like a rock star.

I walked on that high for THREE weeks. It put a skip in step that had gone missing since I joined the motherhood club. I wanted to drive fast with the top down in a convertible listening to Kings Of Leon’s Sex On Fire as loud as I could get away with.

I hadn’t even told my husband yet what I was up to. A week later, I went to see the final images and select the ones I wanted to keep. BOOM! Another confidence builder!
Charlotte had taken such care putting my body into the most flattering positions so each and every one of my photographs were absolutely stunning. Some were even exquisite. She saw that, she knew what she was doing, she KNEW what she was doing to me. She gave me back something I didn’t know I had lost years ago. What a gift!

While I didn’t know I was going there for more than photographs, Charlotte did. Her work = nothing short of incredible.

As for my husband, he said the photographs made him realize what he had forgotten, that I am more than a mom with two young kids, that I’m a sexy young woman, his wife.

Cheater Chicken Soup: Good For What Ails You

The dreaded cold has sneezed it’s way into my house.  First, my youngest got it, now me.  I am M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E!  Couldn’t be that my body is on some hormonal roller coaster that I can’t quite latch the seatbelt on or that my youngest refuses to sleep at night….er, I mean AT ALL!  But you aren’t here to hear about my life today, you are here to make some chicken soup.  It’s mmm mmmm good.

Ingredients:

3 stalks of celery, chopped
1 large sweet onion, chopped fine3 large carrots, cut into slices

1 48oz containers of low sodium Swanson Chicken Broth
1 48 oz containers of regular Swanson Chicken Broth

1 pre-cooked rotisserie chicken from your local grocery store
4 tsp of thyme
1 Tbsp basil
2 whole bay leaves
Salt and pepper to taste

Instructions:

1. In a pan or if your large crockpot can handle a sauté setting; sauté onions and celery on medium until they just start to brown.

2. If using a pan, dump the vegetables into a crockpot with the broth.

3. Add the whole chicken (Keep the string on it if you can.  It makes it easier to pull out of the broth when the time comes.)

4. Don’t throw out the juices in the bottom of the rotisserie chicken container.Dump that juice into the broth too!

5.  Add spices, carrots and anything else you want to flavor up your broth.

6. Stir around the chicken as best as you can.

7. Set crock pot to high for 2 hours.  (Stir occasionally if you’re nosy like me but it is not necessary.)

8. After two hours, pull the whole chicken out.  It should want to fall apart, that is why keeping the string on the chicken is a good idea.

9. On a cutting board, pick the meat off the chicken.  CAUTION:  IT WILL BE HOT so use a fork and tongs.

10. Using a fork, shred the chicken into smaller pieces then add it to the broth.

11.  Stir together and VOILA!  You have yourself some Cheater Chicken Soup!

12.  If you want noodles in your soup, I highly encourage to keep them separate from the soup because after they siat together for awhile, the noodles get super mushy.

 

If you know of a way to prevent that over the course of a few days in the fridge, let me know!

13.  I love me some fresh bread to dip into my soup!

NOTE:  Since the chicken is already cooked, you don’t HAVE to cook on HIGH for 2 hours, it just helps to meld the flavors together.  Leftovers the next day are far better than the first day, am I right?

Last Minute Baby Shower

A baby shower dropped kersplat right into my lap.  One week to get something put together for a new mommy.  And I’m a sucker for a new mommy.  It’ll be her first baby shower and unfortunately, her husband is deployed and won’t be able to partake in it.  Double sucker.  There’s nothing like a mommy-to-be to bring out my nurturing, protective, let me give you everything that I have to help you get through this mode.

So there I was, scouring the internet for ideas on what to do.  It’s supposed to be a low-key shower and the venue is in a very popular, cluttered restaurant.  The first thing I came across was this easy diaper cake tutorial from Slap Dash Mom.

This was just the first thing I came across.  It’s going to be perfect for her!  Next, I need to work on games that I can do in this popular restaurant.  I’m thinking String-Around-The-Mommy, The Don’t Say “Baby” and the Dirty Diaper games  Any other suggestions?  What about prizes for a co-ed baby shower?

Update:  Here is my version of this awesomely easy diaper cake.

Milk Jug Pumpkins

I saw this craft on pinterest and decided it would a great CHEAP Halloween decoration that I can make with the kids. I also included pictures on how to do it rather than just the final  product.

My kids are not the best artists which totally goes against my need for perfection in crafts.  I hate myself for always wanting to straighten out a line here or there, or make sure the right colored crayon colors the right object. Trust me, it takes every ounce of restraint for me not to do my daughter’s Pre-K homework for her.  My hands just itch to intervene her “artwork”.  I’ll admit though, she’s getting better at staying in the lines, which is why I let her do up a milk jug pumpkin of her own.  Sadly, my OCD got the best of me when she had lost interest and I “finished” it up in order for it to be on display at our house.  😦  I know, I know.  Bad Mommy.

Items that you will need for this craft:
gallon milk jugs.  (Empty and clean.  Your choice as to the quantity.  I started collecting them at the end of August to get 10 jugs)
Permanent black marker
Knife
Duct or Packing Tape
String of Christmas lights (your choice in color.  I chose orange to make them look more Halloweenish but I’m sure colored or white look just as nice)

Step 1:
Be sure to have your milk jugs cleaned out prior to saving them so when you finally go to start this project, you’re not knocked unconscious by the fumes of the spoiled milk dregs at the bottom of the milk jugs that you’ve been saving for months.  (I THOUGHT I had been cleaning them out all along)

Step 2:
Peel off the stickers.  I figured this was something easy for my kids to do but I totally lost them after 4 minutes and 18 seconds.  Oh well.

Step 3: 
Using the black permanent marker, draw your pumpkin faces.

Step 4:
Take off the safety ring under the cap.

Step 5:
Color the whole cap with your black marker

Step 6:
Cut a 1-2″ hole in the back of the jug near the bottom

Step 7:
Tape the milk jugs together

Step 8:
Insert lights into the holes on the back of the jug, evenly distributing them through all the jugs.

Step 9: 
Place the line of jugs upside down and tape them together on the under side to keep them together better.

Step 10:
Light em up!

The one thing I’m not quite sure about is storing these for next year.  They seem kind cumbersome.  Got any ideas?

A Lie For A Lie

I don’t know where a four year old picks up lying but it has gotten to the point just before getting out of control in our house.  I hate asking, “What did you do to make your brother cry?” and getting an evasive, “Nothing.”

On our way home from the beach the other day, when the neighbor’s kid started screaming in the back row and I asked my usual question to only get the usual response, I had had enough.  I said, “Buggy, you’re lying to me.  Your nose is growing.”

Since she has seen Pinocchio only a handful of times, I wasn’t sure if she would get it or if it would make the impact I was hoping for, but oh did it work on my vain daughter.

Like.A.Charm

Not only did she quit antagonizing her friend, her hands went up to her nose to check it’s transformation.  Thank goodness there wasn’t a mirror around for her to call me out.

“Oh no, Mommy!  We have to get it back down!”

I stifle my giggle, “Oh, I’m sure it will once you start behaving like a good girl.”

Wouldn’t you know, her nose was back to its rightful size by the time we got home.

Tonight I decided to try it again when she took a precious toy away from her brother.

“Buggy, what did you do to your brother?”

“Nothing,” she says with her hands behind her back.

“Really, Buggy?  Because I can tell by the way your nose is growing again, that you’re lying to me.”

Her hands come around from behind her back and she places the toy train back into my sniffling little boy’s lap.

“Mommy, is my nose still growing?” she asks.

“No baby, it stopped but you’re going to have to do some good deeds for it to go back to its normal size.”  I say, “How about you go brush your teeth?”

Off she went to the bathroom.  After I inspected her teeth she asked, “Has my nose gone back down?”

I debate whether or not to press my luck but I figured, so far so good.

“No,” I say.  “But I think if you clean up all your toys in your room, that should do the trick.”

10 minutes later her room was spotless of toys and her nose was just as beautiful as the day she was born.

Lying to my very gullible child to teach her not to lie is not lost on me.  I feel like a hypocrite when I do it.  However, given that most efforts to get my children to do as I say fall short of achieving my goals, I will milk this gem of a disciplinary tactic for as long as I possibly can.

In the same breath, I get a good laugh out of it too, as did my husband tonight when he saw first hand how easily I could manipulate our daughter into getting things done that typically require me to yell, scream and lose my temper.

I say, Mommy, 2; Buggy, 0

Keep your cooties to yourself!

Mommies don’t get sick.  Ever!  Right?!

Wrong.  There comes a time when even we catch the cooties are children so willingly share with us.

Case in point.  My son had a virus recently which the doctor called 5th disease.  I bought the crazy the elderly doctor was selling for a few days but then I started to think he was wrong.  Say it isn’t so!

If you know anything about 5th disease, it’s trademark is a lacey rash, of which my son never got.  I think he just had some virus and it just sucked for 10 days.

We were laying low the entire time.  When I figured he was in the clear, I took the kids out for some fresh air and some socializing.  Everything was going great.  As we got into the car to leave, I felt it.

Sniffle.

OH NO!

Fortunately, I had my tissue box ready and I had the inside scoop as to what to expect.  What I didn’t like was having to confine ourselves back to the house.  I kept saying I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy so I’m sorry to the people I came into contact with.  I didn’t know I had picked up my son’s adorable cooties.

We waited it out for 4 days, mostly with movies and naps.  (Quiet time, if you’re my daughter.)

Then one day, the pain in my face was excruciating.  That night, it was my ear.  Pain like I’ve never experienced.  (Keep in mind, I gave birth to my kids naturally without pain killers or thick needles in my spine.  So for me to say I’ve never experienced such pain is saying something.)

I started researching medicines in my cabinet to see what I could take together to knock the pain out of my head.  Robitussin with codeine.  Check.  Motrin.  Check.  Heated rice sock.  Check.  After about 3 hours of trying to get to sleep, I finally did with the sock over my ear.  For 10 minutes.

And then the pain was gone, to be replaced with a crinkling plastic noise, water rushing, popping, snapping, fizzing, foaming and the ocean.  All this with a cotton ball in my ear.

It was 2 am, I was freaked out!  There I was in bed, hunched over my iPad, punching out emails to my husband giving him a play by play.

We concluded that I had ruptured my ear drum.

And then the whimpering march of my children started and I didn’t have the energy to fight them.  I just surrendered my queen size bed to their will and I grabbed my medicine station (tissue box, cotton balls, garbage can, ear thermometer, water bottle and telephone) and lap top and headed to my son’s bedroom.

After a few uneasy phone calls, some restless tossing and turning, I had a babysitter and an on call doctor’s referral to the local non-emergency office.

Babysitter came over before the kids were up and I was out the door.

As I conclude this post, I don’t know what you know about ruptured ear drums, but they hurt like a knife being stabbed in your head consistently.  Once it ruptures, the stabbing subsides to be replaced by nausea.

I’ve spent the last 4 days popping antibiotics, painkillers and anti-nausea medication.  I’ve also been laying on the couch so feeding my kids has been a challenge to say the least.  And you can forget about cleaning the house.  I’m lucky to get the dishwasher run and unloaded.  Today was the first day I haven’t been plagued with nausea and I have been able to get the kids out of the house for some necessary play time at the park.  Driving is scary because all I hear is ringing in my one ear.  I’ll try to stay away from heavy traffic hours.

But in case you were wondering, mommies do get sick and it sucks when we do because everyone in the house suffers.

It’s 2am, I must be lonely

It’s no secret that I’m sick. I have been for about 3 weeks and some change. Whether it’s allergies or something horrifying like walking pneumonia or mono (thank you, WebMD), I don’t know. It doesn’t help that sleeping through the night is a myth to me. You’d think I was a newborn baby or something but it certainly isn’t ME that isn’t capable of sleeping through the night. My sleep thief goes by the name of Linus aka Stinky aka Sir Streaker.

You see, he’s sick too. And I should feel sorry for him in the middle of the night when he sneaks into my room and stares at me. Or when he starts poking me with his snotty fingers. But it’s 2am and reasoning with me is out of the question. I can honestly say at 2am, I do not fire on all cylinders. I am cranky, unthinking, confused and C-R-A-Z-Y at 2am. 2am seems to be his magic number too. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT his alarm clock (I have yet to find it in his room and go Office Space on it) goes off and he slithers in. Sometimes he’s sniffling, sometimes he just stares (CREEPY!) and sometimes he’ll swing my door WIDE open, crashing it against the door stopper and says, “DA DEE!”
(I hate being called daddy. I mean, how hard is it to say “Mommy”? MOM MEE. See? It’s easy! I know he can say it, he has done it once or twice, but for some reason, he calls me daddy and I don’t like it!)

Last night was no different. I get crazy pretty fast at 2am, so when he fights me to sit on the potty or straight up arm wrestles me with his syringed tylenol to help his fever and aches; crazy mommy is biding her time to tangle with him. After forcing him to swallow the tylenol, I lay him down to sleep. He lays still for about 5 seconds then he starts thrashing and crashing about.

I certainly can’t sleep under these conditions but I try for about 45 minutes and then I scoop him up and take him back to his bed. I lay him down, make sure he has all his blankets and his thumb (Heaven forbid that ever goes missing!), I kiss him on his forehead and rush out of his room and shut his door. I listen to him cry as I stumble back into bed. Not even a minute later, my door slams open, he runs in, grabs MY water bottle and high tails it back to his room knowing full well I’m going to chase his twerpy backside down.

Crazy mommy starts twitching at the corner of my half opened eye.

I start cussing under my breath.

I make it back to his room where he has swiftly hurled himself under his covers and my water bottle is clenched tight in his arms. He’s not even drinking out of it! I snatch it up and head back to my bed. He screams. I start to question my methods, if you can even call them that. He’s achy. His throat probably hurts. He’s cold. He just wants to cuddle. What is WRONG with me?

I turn around and meet him halfway. I pick him up and lay him back on his bed and say, “What do you want from me? I’m sick too! You’re not going to sleep in my bed! You keep kicking me! I need sleep in order to take care of you, little boy!”

He whimpers. COME ON ALREADY! When do I get MY break?!

I start whimpering too. I walk out of his room knowing full well he’ll follow me and I don’t care. I crawl back into bed. He sneaks in without opening the door this time. He creeps over to where my water bottle SHOULD be but it’s not there. I lean over the bed, grab him and his twenty thousand blankets and lay him on the other side of our queen size mattress. I stuff a pillow between us and I give him my back.
Next thing I know, it’s 7am, crazy mommy has been contained via furry handcuffs in the depths of my mind and Linus is bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to pounce on any obstacle that comes between him and the tv remote. Good morning, Linus.