That time I self-destructed

My friends,

You may have noticed my absence from social media lately. I’ve been laying low while in the midst of going through a very hard time in my life. Most of you know I was away from my family for the last year while we were in the midst of some stressful transitions/moves. It took a huge toll on my mental health. Without realizing it, I picked up some toxic coping mechanisms to help me get through it. I woke up from my reckless mental state to a nightmare of the havoc I wreaked on myself. I am devastated by the destruction I have caused in my life.

In order to recover properly, I have been facing my problems head on, coming clean to those that need to hear it and unfortunately, that has meant unintentionally hurting people I love. I have never been so low in my life. I have hit rock bottom. There have been moments I didn’t think I would make it out of this alive. There were moments I wanted to end my life so I didn’t hurt anyone again to include myself. There were times I woke up in the middle of the night sobbing from the pain I have inflicted.  There were times I intentionally slept on the floor or let myself be cold because I didn’t think I deserved a bed or warmth. It has been a struggle to believe in myself and know I am not a bad person because of the recent poor choices I made. They do not define who I am.

It has been the darkest of times for me. However, I have a fantastic support system that includes my husband, my very best friends, my supervisor and first sergeant, and my therapist. I have learned healthy coping mechanisms to get me through this as well as communicating better with people. I have identified a pattern in my behavior and am working to see it coming instead of waiting for it to get here, to stand up for myself, to get help asap and not put myself in a situation that would cause me to get back to where I was.

I am not writing this for sympathy or for you to ask me what happened. Those that need to know, know. 

I am telling you this because everyone is dealing with something, be kind. People make mistakes, forgive and move forward. Depression and anxiety rear their ugly heads and people cope with it in ways they may have never imagined themselves. I never anticipated to be in this situation ever in my life and while I am now facing it and working hard to fix myself, it’s not always going to be as easy for others. We all have our own shit to deal with it. Be empathetic (put yourself in the shoes of others and TRY to understand their point of view because it is certainly going to be different than your own.)

What helped me: 

*Identifying the toxic things I inserted into my life and clearing them out.

*Raising my white flag and saying I need help.

*Having friends that love you no matter your mistakes.

*Having multiple resources at my fingertips to go to when the going gets tough. Ask me if you need them.

*Crying. A lot.

*A never ending supply of tissue that doesn’t hurt your face.

*Listening to music that brings up memories of happier times.

*Accepting the consequences graciously by being accountable for your actions. (THIS ONE IS HUGE)

This is where I’ve been but it’s not where I am now. I am on the path to recovery and will do whatever it takes to stay healthy which includes not allowing toxic people into my life, not trusting people so freely, and looking to the healthy coping mechanisms I have gained in my therapy sessions. Don’t balance yourself on anything less than the four pillars of life: Mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health. I was teetering on one for the last year and getting my fix for the others, never embodying what I believe in until it was too late.

Be true to yourself and understand that to be a people pleaser, you have to include yourself in there.