That time I self-destructed

My friends,

You may have noticed my absence from social media lately. I’ve been laying low while in the midst of going through a very hard time in my life. Most of you know I was away from my family for the last year while we were in the midst of some stressful transitions/moves. It took a huge toll on my mental health. Without realizing it, I picked up some toxic coping mechanisms to help me get through it. I woke up from my reckless mental state to a nightmare of the havoc I wreaked on myself. I am devastated by the destruction I have caused in my life.

In order to recover properly, I have been facing my problems head on, coming clean to those that need to hear it and unfortunately, that has meant unintentionally hurting people I love. I have never been so low in my life. I have hit rock bottom. There have been moments I didn’t think I would make it out of this alive. There were moments I wanted to end my life so I didn’t hurt anyone again to include myself. There were times I woke up in the middle of the night sobbing from the pain I have inflicted.  There were times I intentionally slept on the floor or let myself be cold because I didn’t think I deserved a bed or warmth. It has been a struggle to believe in myself and know I am not a bad person because of the recent poor choices I made. They do not define who I am.

It has been the darkest of times for me. However, I have a fantastic support system that includes my husband, my very best friends, my supervisor and first sergeant, and my therapist. I have learned healthy coping mechanisms to get me through this as well as communicating better with people. I have identified a pattern in my behavior and am working to see it coming instead of waiting for it to get here, to stand up for myself, to get help asap and not put myself in a situation that would cause me to get back to where I was.

I am not writing this for sympathy or for you to ask me what happened. Those that need to know, know. 

I am telling you this because everyone is dealing with something, be kind. People make mistakes, forgive and move forward. Depression and anxiety rear their ugly heads and people cope with it in ways they may have never imagined themselves. I never anticipated to be in this situation ever in my life and while I am now facing it and working hard to fix myself, it’s not always going to be as easy for others. We all have our own shit to deal with it. Be empathetic (put yourself in the shoes of others and TRY to understand their point of view because it is certainly going to be different than your own.)

What helped me: 

*Identifying the toxic things I inserted into my life and clearing them out.

*Raising my white flag and saying I need help.

*Having friends that love you no matter your mistakes.

*Having multiple resources at my fingertips to go to when the going gets tough. Ask me if you need them.

*Crying. A lot.

*A never ending supply of tissue that doesn’t hurt your face.

*Listening to music that brings up memories of happier times.

*Accepting the consequences graciously by being accountable for your actions. (THIS ONE IS HUGE)

This is where I’ve been but it’s not where I am now. I am on the path to recovery and will do whatever it takes to stay healthy which includes not allowing toxic people into my life, not trusting people so freely, and looking to the healthy coping mechanisms I have gained in my therapy sessions. Don’t balance yourself on anything less than the four pillars of life: Mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health. I was teetering on one for the last year and getting my fix for the others, never embodying what I believe in until it was too late.

Be true to yourself and understand that to be a people pleaser, you have to include yourself in there.

A Lie For A Lie

I don’t know where a four year old picks up lying but it has gotten to the point just before getting out of control in our house.  I hate asking, “What did you do to make your brother cry?” and getting an evasive, “Nothing.”

On our way home from the beach the other day, when the neighbor’s kid started screaming in the back row and I asked my usual question to only get the usual response, I had had enough.  I said, “Buggy, you’re lying to me.  Your nose is growing.”

Since she has seen Pinocchio only a handful of times, I wasn’t sure if she would get it or if it would make the impact I was hoping for, but oh did it work on my vain daughter.
Not only did she quit antagonizing her friend, her hands went up to her nose to check it’s transformation.  Thank goodness there wasn’t a mirror around for her to call me out.
“Oh no, Mommy!  We have to get it back down!”
I stifle my giggle, “Oh, I’m sure it will once you start behaving like a good girl.”
Wouldn’t you know, her nose was back to its rightful size by the time we got home.
Tonight I decided to try it again when she took a precious toy away from her brother.
“Buggy, what did you do to your brother?”
“Nothing,” she says with her hands behind her back.
“Really, Buggy?  Because I can tell by the way your nose is growing again, that you’re lying to me.”
Her hands come around from behind her back and she places the toy train back into my sniffling little boy’s lap.
“Mommy, is my nose still growing?” she asks.
“No baby, it stopped but you’re going to have to do some good deeds for it to go back to its normal size.”  I say, “How about you go brush your teeth?”
Off she went to the bathroom.  After I inspected her teeth she asked, “Has my nose gone back down?”
I debate whether or not to press my luck but I figured, so far so good.
“No,” I say.  “But I think if you clean up all your toys in your room, that should do the trick.”
10 minutes later her room was spotless of toys and her nose was just as beautiful as the day she was born.
Lying to my very gullible child to teach her not to lie is not lost on me.  I feel like a hypocrite when I do it.  However, given that most efforts to get my children to do as I say fall short of achieving my goals, I will milk this gem of a disciplinary tactic for as long as I possibly can.
In the same breath, I get a good laugh out of it too, as did my husband tonight when he saw first hand how easily I could manipulate our daughter into getting things done that typically require me to yell, scream and lose my temper.
I say, Mommy, 2; Buggy, 0

It’s 2am, I must be lonely

It’s no secret that I’m sick. I have been for about 3 weeks and some change. Whether it’s allergies or something horrifying like walking pneumonia or mono (thank you, WebMD), I don’t know. It doesn’t help that sleeping through the night is a myth to me. You’d think I was a newborn baby or something but it certainly isn’t ME that isn’t capable of sleeping through the night. My sleep thief goes by the name of Linus aka Stinky aka Sir Streaker.

You see, he’s sick too. And I should feel sorry for him in the middle of the night when he sneaks into my room and stares at me. Or when he starts poking me with his snotty fingers. But it’s 2am and reasoning with me is out of the question. I can honestly say at 2am, I do not fire on all cylinders. I am cranky, unthinking, confused and C-R-A-Z-Y at 2am. 2am seems to be his magic number too. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT his alarm clock (I have yet to find it in his room and go Office Space on it) goes off and he slithers in. Sometimes he’s sniffling, sometimes he just stares (CREEPY!) and sometimes he’ll swing my door WIDE open, crashing it against the door stopper and says, “DA DEE!”
(I hate being called daddy. I mean, how hard is it to say “Mommy”? MOM MEE. See? It’s easy! I know he can say it, he has done it once or twice, but for some reason, he calls me daddy and I don’t like it!)

Last night was no different. I get crazy pretty fast at 2am, so when he fights me to sit on the potty or straight up arm wrestles me with his syringed tylenol to help his fever and aches; crazy mommy is biding her time to tangle with him. After forcing him to swallow the tylenol, I lay him down to sleep. He lays still for about 5 seconds then he starts thrashing and crashing about.

I certainly can’t sleep under these conditions but I try for about 45 minutes and then I scoop him up and take him back to his bed. I lay him down, make sure he has all his blankets and his thumb (Heaven forbid that ever goes missing!), I kiss him on his forehead and rush out of his room and shut his door. I listen to him cry as I stumble back into bed. Not even a minute later, my door slams open, he runs in, grabs MY water bottle and high tails it back to his room knowing full well I’m going to chase his twerpy backside down.

Crazy mommy starts twitching at the corner of my half opened eye.

I start cussing under my breath.

I make it back to his room where he has swiftly hurled himself under his covers and my water bottle is clenched tight in his arms. He’s not even drinking out of it! I snatch it up and head back to my bed. He screams. I start to question my methods, if you can even call them that. He’s achy. His throat probably hurts. He’s cold. He just wants to cuddle. What is WRONG with me?

I turn around and meet him halfway. I pick him up and lay him back on his bed and say, “What do you want from me? I’m sick too! You’re not going to sleep in my bed! You keep kicking me! I need sleep in order to take care of you, little boy!”

He whimpers. COME ON ALREADY! When do I get MY break?!

I start whimpering too. I walk out of his room knowing full well he’ll follow me and I don’t care. I crawl back into bed. He sneaks in without opening the door this time. He creeps over to where my water bottle SHOULD be but it’s not there. I lean over the bed, grab him and his twenty thousand blankets and lay him on the other side of our queen size mattress. I stuff a pillow between us and I give him my back.
Next thing I know, it’s 7am, crazy mommy has been contained via furry handcuffs in the depths of my mind and Linus is bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to pounce on any obstacle that comes between him and the tv remote. Good morning, Linus.