That time I self-destructed

My friends,

You may have noticed my absence from social media lately. I’ve been laying low while in the midst of going through a very hard time in my life. Most of you know I was away from my family for the last year while we were in the midst of some stressful transitions/moves. It took a huge toll on my mental health. Without realizing it, I picked up some toxic coping mechanisms to help me get through it. I woke up from my reckless mental state to a nightmare of the havoc I wreaked on myself. I am devastated by the destruction I have caused in my life.

In order to recover properly, I have been facing my problems head on, coming clean to those that need to hear it and unfortunately, that has meant unintentionally hurting people I love. I have never been so low in my life. I have hit rock bottom. There have been moments I didn’t think I would make it out of this alive. There were moments I wanted to end my life so I didn’t hurt anyone again to include myself. There were times I woke up in the middle of the night sobbing from the pain I have inflicted.  There were times I intentionally slept on the floor or let myself be cold because I didn’t think I deserved a bed or warmth. It has been a struggle to believe in myself and know I am not a bad person because of the recent poor choices I made. They do not define who I am.

It has been the darkest of times for me. However, I have a fantastic support system that includes my husband, my very best friends, my supervisor and first sergeant, and my therapist. I have learned healthy coping mechanisms to get me through this as well as communicating better with people. I have identified a pattern in my behavior and am working to see it coming instead of waiting for it to get here, to stand up for myself, to get help asap and not put myself in a situation that would cause me to get back to where I was.

I am not writing this for sympathy or for you to ask me what happened. Those that need to know, know. 

I am telling you this because everyone is dealing with something, be kind. People make mistakes, forgive and move forward. Depression and anxiety rear their ugly heads and people cope with it in ways they may have never imagined themselves. I never anticipated to be in this situation ever in my life and while I am now facing it and working hard to fix myself, it’s not always going to be as easy for others. We all have our own shit to deal with it. Be empathetic (put yourself in the shoes of others and TRY to understand their point of view because it is certainly going to be different than your own.)

What helped me: 

*Identifying the toxic things I inserted into my life and clearing them out.

*Raising my white flag and saying I need help.

*Having friends that love you no matter your mistakes.

*Having multiple resources at my fingertips to go to when the going gets tough. Ask me if you need them.

*Crying. A lot.

*A never ending supply of tissue that doesn’t hurt your face.

*Listening to music that brings up memories of happier times.

*Accepting the consequences graciously by being accountable for your actions. (THIS ONE IS HUGE)

This is where I’ve been but it’s not where I am now. I am on the path to recovery and will do whatever it takes to stay healthy which includes not allowing toxic people into my life, not trusting people so freely, and looking to the healthy coping mechanisms I have gained in my therapy sessions. Don’t balance yourself on anything less than the four pillars of life: Mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health. I was teetering on one for the last year and getting my fix for the others, never embodying what I believe in until it was too late.

Be true to yourself and understand that to be a people pleaser, you have to include yourself in there.

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It wasn’t just for him

I attempted a sexy photo for my husband which fell flat no matter which angle I tried. When I realized how flat it fell, I started researching all around for a boudoir photographer and found one whose work I kept coming back to in all my searches, Envy U Photography.  I liked the style of the photographer, I mean, there were a few poses that weren’t for me, but overall, the final products in her portfolio had me excited enough to contact her.

Little did I know that I would be getting more than beautiful sexy photos for my husband.

When I walked in for my appointment, I was greeted by Charlotte, the photographer, and her hair and make up artist, Justina Ford. I filled out some paperwork while they asked me some questions, then Justina got to work on my head. I had brought my own outfits with me and Charlotte added some things to go along with what I already had to create the look she envisioned for me.

I’m pretty comfortable with myself and my body so the two of them seeing me in lingerie didn’t bother me at all, my biggest worry was how my face would put off sexy through a camera lens. Once Charlotte started giving me direction, I had every confidence she knew what she was doing. I honestly didn’t have to do a dang thing except follow her direction. She even showed me my images on her camera throughout the session. The more I saw, the more confident I got. By the time I walked out of there five hours later, I felt like a rock star.

I walked on that high for THREE weeks. It put a skip in step that had gone missing since I joined the motherhood club. I wanted to drive fast with the top down in a convertible listening to Kings Of Leon’s Sex On Fire as loud as I could get away with.

I hadn’t even told my husband yet what I was up to. A week later, I went to see the final images and select the ones I wanted to keep. BOOM! Another confidence builder!
Charlotte had taken such care putting my body into the most flattering positions so each and every one of my photographs were absolutely stunning. Some were even exquisite. She saw that, she knew what she was doing, she KNEW what she was doing to me. She gave me back something I didn’t know I had lost years ago. What a gift!

While I didn’t know I was going there for more than photographs, Charlotte did. Her work = nothing short of incredible.

As for my husband, he said the photographs made him realize what he had forgotten, that I am more than a mom with two young kids, that I’m a sexy young woman, his wife.

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Cheater Chicken Soup: Good For What Ails You

The dreaded cold has sneezed it’s way into my house.  First, my youngest got it, now me.  I am M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E!  Couldn’t be that my body is on some hormonal roller coaster that I can’t quite latch the seatbelt on or that my youngest refuses to sleep at night….er, I mean AT ALL!  But you aren’t here to hear about my life today, you are here to make some chicken soup.  It’s mmm mmmm good.

Ingredients:

3 stalks of celery, chopped
1 large sweet onion, chopped fine3 large carrots, cut into slices

1 48oz containers of low sodium Swanson Chicken Broth
1 48 oz containers of regular Swanson Chicken Broth

1 pre-cooked rotisserie chicken from your local grocery store
4 tsp of thyme
1 Tbsp basil
2 whole bay leaves
Salt and pepper to taste

Instructions:

1. In a pan or if your large crockpot can handle a sauté setting; sauté onions and celery on medium until they just start to brown.

2. If using a pan, dump the vegetables into a crockpot with the broth.

3. Add the whole chicken (Keep the string on it if you can.  It makes it easier to pull out of the broth when the time comes.)

4. Don’t throw out the juices in the bottom of the rotisserie chicken container.Dump that juice into the broth too!

5.  Add spices, carrots and anything else you want to flavor up your broth.

6. Stir around the chicken as best as you can.

7. Set crock pot to high for 2 hours.  (Stir occasionally if you’re nosy like me but it is not necessary.)

8. After two hours, pull the whole chicken out.  It should want to fall apart, that is why keeping the string on the chicken is a good idea.

9. On a cutting board, pick the meat off the chicken.  CAUTION:  IT WILL BE HOT so use a fork and tongs.

10. Using a fork, shred the chicken into smaller pieces then add it to the broth.

11.  Stir together and VOILA!  You have yourself some Cheater Chicken Soup!

12.  If you want noodles in your soup, I highly encourage to keep them separate from the soup because after they siat together for awhile, the noodles get super mushy.

 

If you know of a way to prevent that over the course of a few days in the fridge, let me know!

13.  I love me some fresh bread to dip into my soup!

NOTE:  Since the chicken is already cooked, you don’t HAVE to cook on HIGH for 2 hours, it just helps to meld the flavors together.  Leftovers the next day are far better than the first day, am I right?

Mud’s Mudslides

 

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cup uncrushed ice
1 – sliced up Banana
1- shot of Kahlua
1- shot of Baileys
1 – shot of Grey Goose Vodka
2 – shots of milk
2 – shots of Vanilla Creamer
Hershey’s Plain Chocolate bar (quantity depends on preference)

Combine ice and banana in a blender. 
Then add all liquids. 
Blend until texture is smooth. 
Pour into glass. 
Shave chocolate on top. 
Enjoy.
Repeat process until you’re happy and you know it.